you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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