I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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