Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize