I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
