If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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