He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
