i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
