tonight lets celebrate not being married
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
