i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
