We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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