I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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