Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
