I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
as a side note pls kill me
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
