in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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