Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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