That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
