When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
