Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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