oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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