Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
