can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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