I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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