Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
