We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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