Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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