i can't believe i had my finger in that
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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