what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
