i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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