3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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