I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
