We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
