she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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