i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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