Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
