It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
