I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
