I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize