I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
