It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
