the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize