Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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