Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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