Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
