He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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