Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize