Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
