life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize