So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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