i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
