i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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