After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
