Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
