That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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