If that was your dad, he is hot
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
