all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
