I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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