I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
