Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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