I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
