when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
