I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
